Can you believe some of the things we say as parents? I was so amazed at the strange things coming out of my mouth that I decided to have a contest to find out what OTHER parents of Sizzlers are saying to their kids. If you want to read the entire hysterical list, click above. My personal favorite involves a tooth. Keep a lookout for it. This list is a good place to come back to every now and then to remember, when you find yourself saying something truly bizarre to your child. . . you are not alone.

When you thought about becoming a parent, you probably expected you’d say regular things, normal things, things you might expect to find oneself saying.

Then. . .you gave birth to a child, maybe more than one, maybe a child or two who could only be described as unique, challenging, impulsive and surprising. And because of this you now find yourself saying things you could NEVER have dreamed of, things that never cross the lips of regular parents, things that when said out loud are either hysterical or horrifying.

We’re on a mission to collect them. We’ve asked parents to send in some of their best “I-Never-Thought-I’d-Say-THAT” utterances and we’re posting our favorites here.  Some are just funny. Some are so breathtakingly bad that I considered leaving them out. But doggonit, our kids truly do SAY such things. So for better or worse, I’m including them. As more come in, we’ll add to the list. Check back often. The list just may be endless

THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY. . .

• No, you’re not going to buy a handgrenade. (over heard in army surplus store)
• Please don’t eat the snow out of your boots.
• Don’t let the baby suck on your toes.
• Honey, most people really don’t like being knocked on their backs when you hug them.
• Don’t put your toe in your eye while I’m driving.
• Please stop eating your soup with your hands.
• No, we don’t write on the baby.
• What do you mean you cut a hole in your window screen to fit your paint gun through?
• Could you please wipe your foot prints off the wall?
• Take the goat out of the bathroom please.
• I know I’ve never told you not to, but why on earth would you?
• Don’t salt the chandelier
• Take another shower and this time use soap.
• Please move your fit off the train tracks; there’s a train coming. (the child was literally throwing a fit. . .on the tracks. Mom just asked her to move “the fit” to a safer local)
• Don’t open the car while we’re driving anymore.
• Did the thing that bit you have legs?
• Don’t cut the eggplant with the sharp knife while on rollarblades.
• Honey, the dog doesn’t have an owie;’ that’s his bottom. (said when mom found the child had covered the dog’s rear with dozens of bandaids. Followed immediately by anatomy lesson)
• No barking. (spoken to child who did a wickedly good barking imitation whenever guests arrived)
• Remove your hands from the small child’s neck.
• No sniffing people
• No more licking gummy bears and throwing them at the ceiling till they stick.
• No more shouting “Who wants to touch  my weiner?” in Costco when mommy buys you a hotdog.
• Making paper airplanes in church is fine. TESTING them in church is not. (spoken just after the successful launch made a solid connection with the back of the choir director’s head.)
• Don’t use that towel bar for chinups either! (spoken near the gaping holes in the plastic from the first round of chinups)
• We do not greet people by growling or barking at them.
• Your beautiful letter A’s belong on paper, not on mommy’s carpet with the purple crayon.
• Spit your brother’s tooth back out and give it back to him.
• Rubbing green food coloring all over your body will not turn you into the Incredible Hulk.
• Using soap to wash your fish will not make them clean. (spoken over the fish tank  full of now expired fish).
• Put your hands where I can see them and step away from your sister. (feel the power of the mom law.)
• Don’t show the worm to your brother; he’ll eat it.
• “I need a plastic cover for the window sill,” says mom.  “Why?” says unsuspecting store clerk. “Because my son is chewing it off like a beaver.”
• Yes, I’m the mom. But you are not the vice mom.
• Please don’t lick the dog. (what is it with our kids and licking things?)
• What was your brain telling you before you sat on the doorknob?
• Honey, if you handle mommy’s pepper spray, remember not to pick your nose again, okay?
• Excuse me, but did I just say “spell the word toast” or “please lick my eye”? Perhaps you didn’t hear me correctly.
• Please stop using the tap lights to defibrilate youselves and just go to bed.
• Get your HEAD outta the cheese!
• The sunroof is not an exit.
• No thanks. Mommy doesn’t want to smell your earwax.
• No, peeing on your brother is not okay, even if your water pistol has run dry.
• Quit washing your hands in the Holy Water!
• Where is the head to this baby? (to Sizzler known for dismantling siblings dolls)
• No, no, don’t ride the baby.
• Stop eating out of the trash.
• Don’t eat the food on the ground till you’ve first eaten the food on your plate.
• Take that egg out of your pocket.
• Stop chewing on the corner of the dryer door.
• No, you my not make a swimming pool in the hallway (spoken as child was doing just that.)
• Stop hitting the cat with a croissant.
• Please stop eating the dog hair.
• How can you not know what you ran into? The bruise is between your eyes!
• Get the caterpillar out of your baby sister’s pants.
• Don’t lick the hospital bed. (there’s definitely a licking theme here.)
• You may not call 911 to trick the police.
• No, I don’t want to smell your hands.
• Son, dogs say hello by sniffing each others butts. We do not.
• Why did you spray the lightbulb with water, turn it on and wait for it to sizzle and explode? (answer: it I wanted to see what would happen?)
• Why did you put plastic food on the lightbulb? (answer: to cook it.)
• Feel free to leave the Mini-Mouse pull-ups on your head in the grocery store, just don’t walk into anything.
• What are you. . .FIVE? (says the very tired mom to her THREE year old.)
• Now MOMMY is going into time out.
• Please stop sniffing your sister’s armpits.
• Don’t kiss the goat. He’ll burp on your mouth. (of course we’re all wondering, does she mean the goat or the Sizzler?)
• Stop sucking on your shirt.
• Hugs are not weapons.
• Why do your shoes smell like gasoline?
• Who colored the cat pink?
• Why did you lick the plasma lamp?
• It’s not okay to pee on tricycles.
• Please stop climbing up the side of the house.
• Are you able to get your tongue off the bottom of the dining room chair?
• Your baby sister is not a rug.
• Stop putting your feet on the ceiling.
• Just because you read the instructions on mommy’s epipen doesn’t mean you should follow them.
• Quit fooling around and use this to put out the fire (says the mom casually to her Sizzler while still on the phone)
• Take that chair OFF, sit down and do your math. (you have to picture this. He had put his legs through the opening, slid the chair up around his waist and was standing to do his math. Only a sizzler!)
• Please get the bird out of your pants (said to the Sizzler who allowed the guinea hen chick to hide where she pleased.)
• Please take off ALL your clothes when you get in the shower this time.
• Take the teapot out of your pants (she should meet the guinea hen girl)
• We do not do experiments on the baby just to see what will happen.
• Why did you put yellow food coloring in your brother’s hair?